i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
