Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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