Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
