He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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