He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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