First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
