it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
