Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
