I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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