so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize