I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
