great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
