I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
