Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
