he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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