apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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