Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
