We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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