You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
