God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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