I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
