I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
