Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
