if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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