i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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