yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
