Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
