I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
