I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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