woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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