If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
