Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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