I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
