Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
