You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
