I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
