I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
