The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
