How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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