I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize