You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
