I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
