Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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