It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
