You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
