it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
