No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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