just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
