I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's never too late to be topless.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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