Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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