im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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