I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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