yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Randomize
