My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize