I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
