Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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