My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
